You know what makes awkward moments? When you get change for a steak and egg burrito, and it's like, 97 cents, and there's a tip jar right in front of you. But you dont want to tip 97 damn cents because 97 damn cents is practically one dollar. One stinking dollar. But the thing is, the tip jar just sits there right in front of you, crammed with generous portions of money from residents of places like the Hamptons and such, and the cashier just looks around like a damn idiot, just making you feel like a freaking stingy bleep. You stand for five seemingly eternal seconds, and finall decide, "well, what the hell, I can leave at least fifty or twenty five cents for this unfortunate person (who will probably someday get into a college over you because they have a 3.4 and a 980 on the SAT but because theyre impoverished, then they must be a genius if only they had the chance)." But then after dropping half your fistful of change, the employee shifts uneasily so you drop a dime more, followed by yet another fidget. Well, shit, you drop the whole godamn handful into the plastic jar and leave thinking youve made a shitload of a difference. Flash forward four hours, at lunch, when you need 76 cents and its in some musty tip jar going towards some giant corporation's low wage worker's strip of gum from a freaking stand in Albertson's. You leave with no lunch, and return to school lunchless and famined throughout English with Mr. Superego himself. All this could have been prevented by simply effing the chilango who will take your spot in a university, and walking out with your hard earned 97 godamn cents. To hell with affirmative action.
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This past weekend I attended a birthday party of my next door neighbor's younger brother. Previously I had been informed that the party would be great fun and full of shenanigans, tomfoolery, and hijinks. However, at arrival I found out that to the contrary, the party was nothing but a get together for the young nine year old. The "party" consisted of cheetos, tortilla chips, and cake. With much adu about nothing, the gathering turned out to be a flop. But I didnt leave, as I continued in and played in the rented jumphouse. I proceeded to jump at least, like, five feet in the air. The four nine and eight year olds that were jumping with me had no chance. The faggots got it handed to them. I left the party with no party favors except a plastic whistle. The cake sucked too. It was lemon.
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Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad
KANKAKEE, IL—Local citizens are abuzz with the news that a local Angus beef hamburger will be featured in a national Weber gas-grill TV commercial that begins airing Monday. "We are all just so proud," Kankakee Mayor Donald Green said of the burger, which appears seated on a seeded bun and dressed with ketchup, pickles, lettuce, and a slice of tomato. "We've had some great sandwiches in this town, but none have gotten this kind of recognition. All of us who knew the burger had a hunch it was going to go on to great things." According to Green, the burger's talent agent is currently negotiating details for the burger's inclusion in a diner scene in an upcoming Will Ferrell movie
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While waiting for a bus Tuesday, Stan Geraldson watched 2-year-old Jason Kemper pick up a spent cigarette butt and place it in his mouth, but made only a minor attempt to stop him. "Hey, ah, you shouldn't..." Geraldson told Kemper, whose mother was engaged in a conversation a few feet away. "Don't... eat that." Geraldson said he would have done more to stop Kemper if the item had been fiberglass or something
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Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Wednesday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel kind of cheap, standing there waiting for six or seven seconds while the receipt printed out and the cashier put away my singles and got the penny, but it would have looked weird if I'd just walked away, too," Niyo said. "It's not like I wanted the receipt. I was confident the biscotti would work out fine." Niyo has reportedly not been this humiliated in a food-service environment since May 1998, when a waiter told him to enjoy his meal and he replied, "You, too."
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A 60-second, $2.6 million ad aired during the Super Bowl has raised global awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Tak Huun, 71, a Mongolian goatherder and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi. "This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally achieved 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Tak Huun market," Pepsico's Ken Doyle said. "We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N'dougou of Gabon and babies born in comas." Chief Pepsi rival Coca-Cola will soon launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Huun.
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With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.
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Today I was walking to english after lunch and Jerry Kim walked up and said hello. I asked him why he is so quiet and he said he was abused when he was a kid in North Korea. I started talking to him and now were going to chill over the weekend. He lives right by me. Hes actually not that strange once you get to know him
april fool's
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
I was at work and I was talking to a customer about how the chefs were immigrants-obviously, and the customer said, "well, are they from like different countries or something?" my response---"well, sometimes immigrants are from other countries."
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In other news, managers have an extra chromosome. (they are retarded). Flash back to Saturday:......
Ryan: "So whats my schedule for this week?"
Carlos (manager): "ummm, monday and tuesday."
Ryan: "....ok."
(Hour later)
Carlos: "oh, Ryan. I need you on Wednesday, not Tuesday."
Ryan: "Ok, you absolutely sure?"
Carlos: "definitely."
flash forward to Monday, me at work...
I recieve a note saying that i work on tuesday, not wednesday. EFFF. I already made plans.
Well iguess i have wednesday free...
hour later.....asst. manager says i have to come in wednesday too.
EFFFF.
Moral: managers are retarded.
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